Body and holidays

I try to ignore the fact that I'm gaining some weight living here in Australia. I'm on a holiday and people just eat on holidays. I don't wanna miss out anything just because I'm afraid of gaining some weight. Yeah, and how's that working out for me? pfft~ I freak out most of the time when I see food. And when I get on the scale, I just went on sobbing. Gosh. What is wrong with me? I should be okay. I should feel confident as how I am, but I'm just not. I hate myself.

Tak keruan

I can't sleep. I don't know if it's because of the weather or because I'm just too tired. I'm totally drained. Yet I can't sleep and only sleep for 5 hours. Maybe to some of you, that's like daily sleep, but not to me. My body requires 8 hours of rest to fully function, mentally and emotionally. I guess overthinking is one of the reasons I can't sleep properly. And the fact that I miss my mom doesn't really make things any better. I suppose something has been on  my mind or else I won't be here, blogging so frequently. At times like these, I like to know that mama is around. Not that I ever share anything with mama. -,- I'm just not those kind of daughter. I don't share much with my mom. We don't really do that kind of thing, but there's something about being around mama that comforts me. I miss that.

Meia ni kurang mengaji ni. Hati rasa gusar je. Haih.

A Thousand Years

There are some things in the world that can never go together. You know, like the Sun and the Moon. They're just two different things and they can't live in each other's world; not because they don't want to be together, they just, can't be. But it doesn't mean they can't continue to admire one another, to cherish every ticking moment to feel the presence of the other. When the time comes, they'll collide. And at that moment, nothing else matter because the whole world would be admiring them.

There will come a day when we will promise ourselves to love another person more than anything. And if we're given all the years to live, living with them, knowing that you'll wake up to the same person each and everyday would be a bless and nothing else could compare to that.

Cooking and instinct

Girls, ladies, women. Please, being able to cook is not a gift or a talent; it's nature. We are brought up with motherly instinct. Cooking is something you HAVE to know by instinct. You can't say you don't know how to cook when you haven't really tried. Sure, the first few times you fail, but duuuhh~ -,- You think your mom got it right the first time she cooked? Come on. There are gazillions of recipes, FREE - I must stress that - that you can try. Some even have pictures along with the instructions. Don't be afraid to try. It doesn't matter how late you're gonna be married, or how much you like ordering in, cooking is a motherly instinct. If you don't try now, you'll lose the lovely years of practicing and draining down the wasted, ugly food you made. Besides, cooking is not only about getting married. Cooking is about your identity as a woman, a lady. Come on. Get up, and get cooking. Start with something you like. Go and discover. Don't use wasting or got no time as your excuse. That's so lame. We have to enjoy every bits of life eating and cooking. Believe me, it's so good. You'll get better and you'll even find ways to maintain the cooking techniques. GOOOO! COOOK!

Empty holes

There are empty holes in your life that may never be filled, but life goes on. Cliche much. And there will be times when you think you're ready, but the fact is you're not. Yet, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Then again, you should also keep in  mind that trying doesn't mean you'll succeed. And failure doesn't mean that you won't get it right some time later. You will, but maybe wayy later than you expected. You can never guess.

The holes, maybe they're just better off empty. You can try to fit in other things, but the least that can happen is you decrease the size of the hole. You never really fill it up. Sometimes, you just patch it up and later in the future, it'll just open up. But if you're lucky, God bless you, you'd end up filling it up, permanently.

Whatever it is, pray. God listens to every single thing you have to say. Turn to God. Pray.

Life is so overrated

The way things turn out in life is pretty confusing; you expect something else, and yet something else happens. I'm always afraid of what's coming in my future. I'm the Queen of screwing up. I guess everyone would admit the same thing because well, we all screw up in some part of our lives. You know, there are several things that I am good at and I know I'll be able to make it and the expected result would actually come true, sometimes even better. But there are some that I am so bad at, I can't even explain.

I can't keep relationships for a long period. I always end up losing a friend along the way. Sure, it's normal to lose friends; I'm not expecting to keep all of the people I know. -,- I can't even catch up with my life and family, let alone catching up with hundreds - that is if I have hundreds. But what I mean is those who care for me dearly, I tend to take them for granted. Not that I don't see their effort, and not that I'm not trying, it's just that I suck at it. I suck at friendship. I don't know how to keep in touch. I want to be a good friend who is always willing to help, to be there, but I suck. I lost so many good friends. They are all great friends and I lost them, just like that. Why? Because I'm just so selfish. I'm a bitch. That's easier to understand. And I'm so tired of being one. I don't know what to do.

I'm helpless. I hate commitment. I suck at it. I screw up almost every good relationship I have with people. Do I not want people around me? I'm confused. Sometimes I fear having someone so close to me because I don't know how to treat them, how to be a good friend. I fear that I'll lose them. And what sucks more is that I'll lose them because I just didn't know what to do. Oh God. I'm such a mess. 

If I could, I would

If I could buy time, I would. If I could buy energy, I would. If I could skip sleeping, I would. But I can't. I'm sorry. When we can't give the best to the ones we know deserves the best, we feel so guilty and useless. We feel as if we've let the person down. There's so much I wish I can do, but my hands are all tied and I can't find enough time to satisfy the ones I love. 

Ya Allah, kuatkan semangatku, panjangkan usiaku, beri kesihatan kepada tubuhku agar ku terus mampu untuk memuji nama-Mu.

Just some pictures of my life here, in Australia

Sydney Harbour. My first day here.

On the first day we went to Madamme Tussoud, a place where they make a wax statue or whatever they call it of iconic people such as Obama, Albert Einstein, Angelina Jolie and a lot more. All the sculptures are made based on the exact height, eye colour and hair colour. They are all TALL! Especially Obama. Even Bieber is tall. -,- I'm sorry that most of the pictures are the pictures of me, but I figured this is MY blog anyway. :p

First picture is with JB. xD To the right is Keith Urban. Then that's me in that air thingy thing doing the Marilyn Monroe pose. Below on the left is Kim Hyun Jung. Next to it is Heth Ledger. And of course, Iron Man.

That is Hugh Jackman from X-Men, then DiCaprio, and the gorgeous Miranda Kerr. Below is of course Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The last one I'm not quite sure who, but she starred in The Saturday Night Fever.

Oprah, ET, Obama and Jackie Chaaaaan. Look how tall Obama is!

My sister. :) This is in front of the Sea Life Aquarium. We entered, but not much picture taken.

Second day in Sydney. We went several other place: Paddy Mall, The Wild Life and The Aquarium. Please ignore the choice of colours for that day. :p

Here I present you my precious. :) My little baby Asyraf. Not literally mine, but yeah. Haha. 

This is an applique. Thanks to my sis, I finally mastered the art of applique. :D Hand-stitched mind you. Haha. Of course I'm proud of myself, even though it is not as pretty as it should be.

This is a project named New York Beauty. You can Google New York Beauty quilt and see all the beautiful quilt others have made. I am so gonna do this again to improve my curve sewing and paper piecing. I must say, I have let myself down a bit on this project, but I won't stop. :)

This baby here is the modern Dresden plate quilt. I got inspired by The Girl Who Quilts and I knew I had to do one myself. It's very simple and pretty. My sister suggested for a stitchery in the middle. So, that's my next sewing lesson. Can't wait to finish it!

This baby here is also a Dresden plate quilt in which I was helping my sister finishing it. She stopped so I decided to carry on. I sewed three of this Dresden plate. It looks pretty. :)

Welps, that is all for now. I have several more projects coming along and a few more places to visit. I don't think I'll be able to upload a lot of pictures here, but if you are interested, just visit my Instagram: Meiameruddin. I always update there. Time sure fly when you're having fun. It's been a month already. *sigh* That fast? Another more month left. So little time, yet so many things to do.

Fight for it

We are always insecure of the person we care a lot. She hasn't texted you for a while, you assume she'd found someone else more entertaining than you. He uploaded a picture of himself and a girl (a pwetty girl pulak tu. :p), you assume he's falling for her. She starts talking about other people, you assume you're forgotten. Suddenly the daily routine starts to fade, you feel as if the relationship is fading as well. Haha. It's funny how the heart can play with the brain, how emotions take over rationality. We all face this or at least will face this some part in our lives. It can be in any kind of relationship. Because when we care, we are just too afraid of being replaced, being rejected, being forgotten.

Don't be afraid. If we care that much, we should fight for it that much, too.

Whatever

I'm not a preacher, not a writer, not an advisor or any such. But I do love to speak my mind. Honestly, I like talking to myself. Yes people, I talk to myself. Not really that shocking, but yeah. I realise that I can't keep talking to myself, that'll be bad. Who knows what people will think of me in a few years if I keep on with that habit. And I suppose the reason for this blog is to help me cope with that problem. Instead of talking to myself, might as well talk here. At least it won't sound that crazy, I think. -,-

I'm not good with words. I always end up lacking of words to use due to my small amount of vocabs, thanks to this brain. As a result, my ideas are always everywhere and I lose my point. People get confused, my ideas go nowhere. It's pretty sad, but I gots to face it, I'm not as talented as to be. Haha. But that doesn't stop me from writing anyway. xD I'll do whatever that makes me happy.

I don't know why I'm here, but I'm here. Something is bugging me, I just wish I knew the words to it. Ah sheesh. Asyraf pooped. Welps, duty calls. Toodles~

Pinterest

My sister introduced me to Pinterest. I've heard of it before but never really got interested in it. Then, when I came here, my sister keep on mentioning Pinterest, so I signed up and currently addicted to it. It has all these awesome creative ideas! People have so many ways in being productive. I like how they think. Haha. All the cool ideas just inspire me. There are so many things that can be done and some are very easy. I like crafts and DIYs. Maybe I was brought up that way, with my dad making his own furniture and other things and my mom sewing and crafting. I guess I was exposed to it. But I'm not creative. I do things and end up wonky and scratchy. -,- But I do love making things. Haha. I just like the feeling of handmade things. It's like filled with more attention and care. Lulz. Anyways, if you, too, like crafts and DIYs, sign up for Pinterest and be inspired. XOXO

Let Her Go

I can listen to this over and over again.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

I thought I had it, but then I lost it. -,-

I've been trying to get my arse in front of the compuper for quite some time but I just couldn't get myself to do it. I had so many things in my head and I knew I had to come here and blabber it all out, but sadly, the laziness won over my stuffed mind. And when the time comes to write, I gots nothing. Darn it.

Anyways, I haven't been in touch much with the people at home for quite some time. With all the social networks and internet, I still find myself here, not trying to be in touch with the people. -,- I'm such a slug. I just couldn't find the right time. Believe me, the time here in Australia flies way faster. You wake up like every other morning in Malaysia, but it gets dark at 5 p.m. 6 At six, it's already like 10 p.m in Malaysia. Pft~ The next thing you know, you're already sleepy and it's only 10 p.m. Sheesh! And in Malaysia, that's like only 8 p.m. How am I suppose to keep in touch when everything is ever so different. I'm more of a morning person, so I wake up at 7 or 8 (unless on the days I sleep late, I'd wake up later than that). But morning here means 3 or 4 am in Malaysia. Still, no time to communicate with people. -,-

I honestly dislike the time difference. It makes it hard for me to keep in track of the people in Malaysia. I'm already getting ready to sleep, and yet people are just about done with breaking their fast. And by the time I'm asleep, people are just done with Terawih. How am I suppose to keep up with that? -,- It's wearing me out lately. So, I'm sorry to all the people I can't stay in touch with. How I wish I could call and text all day, but sadly, time is not on our side. I'll be back in a month. I don't what to feel. I just don't feel like going back. :/ I want to stay longer. *sigh*

This is the real life update

So the previous post wasn't the best post to be updating after a long time of hiatus. -,- It makes me sound like I just came back from rehab or something. Welps, I can't control myself when I'm on the keyboard sometimes. And not to mention the overflowing things in this little head of mine. Anywhores, this is an official life update. HAHA.

I'm currently in Australia, with my sister and her small family. :) My oh my, how I love it here. Not only Australia, but here in Canberra, in my sister's small and cosy crib. I'm not gonna play the comparing game here because that'll just make me look ungrateful of own beloved country, but oh do I love it here. :D The weather, the people, the system. It makes me feel so safe. Hoho.

I haven't had the chance to really use a laptop or computer the whole while I'm here. Not because I'm busy or anything. I was just lazy. HAHA. Well, there's nothing to look at. I mean, I am barely on Facebook nowadays, so, yeah. Tumblr, not anymore. Blogging, yes. I wanted to blog so much, but I don't really know what to say. I've been numb for quite some time and I mean literally numb. My fingers swell sometimes. It gets to -5 degrees at night and 10 in the afternoon. Ahha. Besides, I thought I'd get some more knowledge on sewing and quilting from my sister while I'm here. It'd be a waste to just watch her work and not do anything. She has tons of fabrics! Oh, how it made me happy seeing them. xD

I am having so much fun sewing and patchworking alongside my sister. :) It feels so homey and cosy. It's nice to have someone who shares the same interest and who is there to teach. My sister is cool, but I'm always the cooliest. :p Anywhores, I'm very active on Instagram. My works are uploaded there (poyo je). I'm getting more confident in sewing and my works are better too. :) I'm so proud of myself *pats head* I love it so much. See, I don't have talent in sewing like my sisters; it's more like a gift. Sewing and tailoring runs in the blood. So, I guess I'm lucky. :) I just need support for confidence. So, yeah, I'm very much thankful for my ancestors for bringing joy in my life. HAHA. But the best part of Australia is my nephew! Oh God how I love him. So cute! And getting cuter. I just cannot be mad at him. He makes me wanna have a baby! HAHA.

There's nothing Malaysian in Australia. Nothing at all. Well, not that I've come in contact with. Nevertheless, Malaysia, tanah tumpahnya darahku. :) No matter how good another country, my country is always my pride.

I don't feel like I wanna go back home tho. And I'm not going back any sooner now, but I just love the calmness and peace, here in this small crib. It's like I'm breathing for all the right reasons. I can relax. Gosh, I'm gonna miss this feeling later when I'm back. *sigh* I guess coming here is kind of like going into rehab. A journey for the soul.

There's something really funny tho. Despite the modern technology, where communication is boundless, long distance relationship is so shitty. HAHA.

Thankful that I'm still breathing (random ranting)

Everyday we wake up, we thank God for giving us another chance to make amendments. No matter how bad life is, we should never give up trying. Another day means another try at life. Nothing is always good. There will be bad times. But nothing is always bad either. We just have to try and see it from a better point of view. There is always another point of view. So, living is pretty simple - wake up, be thankful and be pretty. God is fair.

We have a one heart, but many other hearts to help heal. Don't be a coward and creep under a rock. Hold out your hands and help the ones needed. A smile for the ones who are having a bad day, a hug for those who are going through hard times, a word of support for those who are breaking down, a minute with a friend, a cup of coffee for mom who's been working all day long. So many things. Don't chicken out. Small things make up a big change. One big heart can make a lot of other lives meaningful.

I keep reminding myself ever so constantly that there is so much to life than just satisfying myself with the need of myself. One of the first thing my sister said to me is that in life we have to stop thinking about what people can give to us, and start thinking what we can give to people. Life is a cycle after all; we give and we take. Happiness is not only about receiving, but it's also about giving. The world needs balance. Balance gives the peaceful, neutral feeling I guess.

I overthink. Too much. (explaining my random rantings) And it's really hard to 'organise' the things in my head. That is why I try very hard to remind myself all the good things I should be doing rather than pondering upon the things I don't like. My head can think and process about a hell lot of things all at the same time and it stresses me out because there are so many things that aren't even suppose to be there. I find it really hard to keep calm and find peace. My head just won't rest and it keeps me miserable. I wish I could hold more attention on things that matter, such as academia stuffs. They may not seem to be any much relieving, but at least they are things that matter and important. The things that go through my head always take me down. But I realized that if I fight it, I'd come up so much stronger and better. I have to have faith. Faith has kept me going for so long. Faith in my religion, of course, had kept me alive. Faith in my family has kept me believing that loving and caring is such a wonderful thing. Faith in my friends has kept me believing that strangers can be a miracle.

Life is such a wonderful gift. Every day we are gifted with another day to make great things. That is why it is called present. Who doesn't like getting presents? God gives it to us everyday. Be thankful. Be reflective. Be productive. At the end of the day, think back, 'What have you contributed to the world, besides carbon dioxides?'. If there is nothing, then possibly you should think about it again. :)

With that, I end my blog post. Oh, before I forget, SALAM RAMADAN TO ALL MUSLIMS. :) Selamat berpuasa. Semoga bulan Ramadan kali ini lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya. InsyaAllah.