Frozen

The movie Frozen is the perfect description of how people with insecurities and depressions are.

I don't know how to explain, but it just is.

It's amazing how the movie elicits everything and how much love can change people. 

My dear

The saddest way to fall out of love is to suddenly wake up the next morning, and realise that you don't feel the same way as you did the day before.

Two lovers starts to feel distant and little did they know, they were parting from each other, emotionally. 

Both are not capable of being in each other's company.

All of a sudden, the feeling that was once so true, turned out to be a lie.

What happened, dear Princess?

Just suckish

It sucks:

When you get to know someone close enough, but never realised you've actually fallen for him and only realised when he said he already liked some other girl.

Even worse:

When both of you fall for each other, but you just fail to tell the other person because you thought of waiting for the right moment and end up not saying anything.

The worst:

Both of you just ponder upon the past and wish that you've at least done something to be in each other's lives because now it's just seeing shadows of something that could've happened.

And it sucks.

How do you deal with someone who says no to all that you like?

How can you feel happy when the things you like are being pushed aside and not shared? Isn't love all about sharing?

Familiarity

Human likes the feeling of familiarity. They like to be sure of things. I guess that's why we find ourselves reminiscing the past because the feelings were true and you know that you've felt it before. 

It's not actually a good thing, but sometimes it's just hard to stop yourself. You just need to be sure that such feelings exist - such memories can be created. And then you just find yourself digging up old stuffs, flashing through all the good times in the past. 

Sometimes it's not because the present sucks. It's just the warm feeling we get from the past feelings keep us sane and hoping. The present just seems so confusing, and the only place to turn to is somewhere we know we'll never get lost - the past, of course.

Drowning yourself in the familiar faces can be both intriguing and bitter. Words never said could keep on hunting you, yet smiles on people's faces could light up your own. :)

I hate how much I rely on the past to feel familiar. I'm constantly searching for a place where I feel safe and warm. And I chose the past, and believe me, it's the biggest mistake yet. I just hope I find a better place to turn to later. The past is just not the place I wanna be anymore. 

A strong heart

I know I've mentioned about how much I hate sleeping late, but I just can't help it. I hate sleeping late, but lately I couldn't get myself to sleep early.

Why am I doing this to myself?

What has happened to me? I miss my old self.

I guess everyone will change, and lose themselves in the middle of the way, and hate the fact that they changed. And wish that they were how they were before. But there's nothing we can get from looking back on the person we used to be.

Haih.

I have such a strong heart, carrying all these nonsense burden.

I have a strong mind, keeping me sane.

Maybe I should be thankful for that.

Not enough

I just want to believe I'm good enough.

In everything I do, say or even the way I present myself. I wanna know that I'm enough.

How do I know when to stop trying?

Trying is sickening.

I try to be better but I'm barely moving.

I see people, and I see they impress you.

How do I impress you?

How do I leave a mark in your heart, in your mind?

How do I make you not fall for someone else?

How do I win?

When do I have to stop trying? 

What should I do to make you notice me?

Sometimes I give up on myself. 

Regardless of what you say, I give up.

I just know that I'm never gonna be enough.

Butterfly.

I hate how much I don't believe in myself.

There's always something not enough about myself. I know that somehow can be a good thing; it means we should be pushing ourselves a bit harder to be better. 

But most of the times it drives me the opposite way. I came to hate myself even more. I want to believe that I am so much better than some people and that I can always be better, but I fail every time.

I envy those who are just confident with themselves and can put themselves in public without any hesitation. 

Haih.

I'm good, right? I mean, what else could I ask for? Well, that's a stupid question; I could always ask for more. But.. Haih. Meia Meia. -,-

My stop.

There's a difference between tolerating and just giving in. 

Once you've given up, you don't even care anymore.

Do what ever, I'll please you, as long as I don't go thru all the crappy things I hate.

I hate fighting, so I'll just say yes to everything.

I hate the arguments, so I'll just stop at your points.

Too random to even give a title

I hate how every time I get in front of the computer, my thoughts all just fly away. Like it's too shy to be here. Too afraid to be share whats in it.
I hate it!
 Whenever I'm driving or eating or even in the toilet, ideas are like fireworks - BOOM BOOM BOOM!

*sigh*

My heart has been aching for so long.
I don't know what's hurting it so much; I don't know if it's other people or just myself.
And lately I've been getting less and less sleep, which is really bothering and getting on my nerves. I hate sleeping late. I like to sleep early, knowing that I have plenty of time for rest. I need rest. I need to rest my brain, my heart. It's just been working more than ever. I've been getting mild headaches the past few weeks and I swear, I'd bang my head real hard if I didn't wish to live any longer, which is actually what I wish for, but sane enough not to do.

I try to not think about things, but it just gets worse after some time and I have to face with it with double the tense.

My problem is, when people ask me what can they do to make things better, I just don't know what. I seriously don't know. I get mad over simple things and people just don't get why. Even I don't know why, for God's sake. I hate myself so much, I wish I had a reset button so I can just get over myself every time I have failed myself. Gosh.

Failing sucks. It's frustrating. I know people say, if you fail, you get up stronger than you were before. But before you can even get up, you've got to go through all the shitty 'I wish I was better than this' speech.

Huargh!

Dancing with a leaf.

Sometimes you just need a getaway. You'll see all the great things around you immediately. Even the smallest thing can make you happy. :) I'm just right now thankful for all the great people that are around me. 

I wanna write. I wanna write so badly.

But I just can't get anything out.

Heartbreaks

Every once in a while, I wish I was a cat. I can just go snuggle up to anyone and just purr my way to sleep. Or at least I can just sleep anywhere I want. And not give a damn of the things happening around me.

We all go through hard times, but it'll pass.

Instead of indulging yourself in the memories of the past, maybe it's time to invest in the future. Start creating new ones. Memories will eventually fade, so just keep looking forward. 

Everyone will get over things. And everyone will find another thing to look forward to. It's just a matter of time. Some people take longer than others.

Games

I think we all should know when to stop.

We can never be in control of a game forever.

You either stop now, or be prepare to lose it all.

I don't like how you're playing your games. 

I'm not hoping for the worst for you, but I hope you learn well.

One cent

If you live to others recognition, then be it. I don't want to compete in that competition for I know there is nothing about me that can be 'sold' to the public eyes.

I am very insecure, and I am pleased to know that you are very confident of yourself. But that does not mean you are liked and loved by many. Nor does it mean you are more than what you are.

Fear not, I am nothing close to even feeling envious of your success, for I know you are not even close to happy with what you are now. You are just pretentious and so desperate. Why should I compare myself to such centless piece?

Just be gone.

My, oh my! Did I miss November?

It's already December. That fast? Only 28 days left for 2014. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Have I ever been ready for a new year anyway? -,-

December. It's gonna be a short one, I can tell. I'm just hoping it'd be good.

I wish I can kill people. So that when a new year comes, I don't have to face all the people I hate anymore. I'd be free from all of the hatred and stupidity.

Or, if the people suddenly vanish, yeah. That'd work too. Whichever. As long as they are gone. 

The best

Why are you competing? 

What do you get at the end of the day? 

Satisfaction of having people talk about how lucky you are? Is that your satisfaction? Seriously? You get your friends to praise you and tell you how lucky you are, and you feel lifted?

I don't get how you steer your life. And I'm not in any position trying to judge you on how you live your life, but you are pathetic. 

I just really want to know what drives you to live your life. What are the intentions of your actions? Because all I see is just envious bitches backfiring one another. 

What is it to be proud of? What do you have, that other people don't? 

You just happen to have it better, but I guess you forgot, some people have the best.

And you don't see them bragging about it.

Why?

Because they know that things that last forever don't need to be told again and again. They stay and the whole world can see it for themselves. They don't need any kind of 'evidence' or recognition. 

Fake it till you make it.

If you want to stop over thinking, then just stop thinking about it.

Just pretend that it's all nothing.

One day, when you care less, you won't feel a thing.

There are things that don't need attention. So, don't waste your time on that. Eventually, you'll get numb. 

I know people say numb is not good, but for some people, numb is what gets them going.

Because being able to feel is just too much for them.

I don't see any harm in faking things to make life easier for you. People don't become great liars in one day. Eventually, you'll learn to lie to yourself. And no one would ever know.

Importante

You start to care less when you start to take things lightly.

If you're jealous, just say it.

If you're hurt, say it.

If you need a friend, ask for one.

If you keep things to yourself and not take it seriously, that's when you start losing things. Because it's always the unimportant things that gets missing because you don't look for it - look after it. At times, you just need to take a moment and think again. 

What are the important things?

confession

Everyone wants to inspire. Everyone wants to be inspirational. 

For me, I get inspired by other people's writing. It's not the choice of words that really captures me. It's the way he tells the story. I don't really have an example of how people inspires me, but basically I just like being entertained by writings. 

But it's not easy to inspire.

One has to be wise; one has to be able to relate to the situations given.

I don't think those who are inspirational are good at everything. He just has to be good at one thing. And from that one thing, he should be able to touch other people's heart; make them change their mind. 

I know someone has inspired me when I can do things I've never imagined doing. 

Like confessing. I hate confession. I suck at confessions. I've never been good at expressing. But now I have the guts to stand up for the things I believe in, for the things I feel. 

And I thank that person for showing me how much one confession can make a difference. 

I hate you

WORD!

Don't feel offended of the things I say for you made me say it. 

Responsibility

For those you claim to love, you should be responsible. 

You do not expect people to stay for all the times you've ignored them. We take people for granted. We take loyalty like it's something everyone can give.

You don't come knocking on someone's door saying you miss them when all the time they needed you, you were absent. 

I have this big hole in my heart, aching for something that I've lost

I guess people chicken out and leave other people hanging by a thread just so they don't have to feel bad having to answer all the questions as to why they ignored us in the first place.

Well, to you, thank you. For your silence is definitely an answer for me.

Drive me somewhere, please

I become to be more of an observer now rather than a socialite. I enjoy companies every now and then, but most of the time I prefer to stick to what I know and just play around there.

Honestly, I don't know what drives me to be this way, but I'm not liking it all the way through. I mean, being alone is fun and spending time with people I'm familiar with is comfortable, but there's just something not enough about it. Then again, having a large group of people hallowing my everyday life is disturbing and most definitely not my choice of living either. 

Big words

I always look for big words when writing, but I never really can come up with any. I just suck when it comes to words. I want to be impressive and when people read, I want them to be blown awayyyyy. But then again, why am I even trying? I should know by now that big words won't get me where I wanna be. 

I should know by now that words aren't my problem. The thoughts in my head are the one keeping me from writing what I want.

You

It's not logic to say that you love someone, then leave them. But that's how things happen sometimes. And who are you to say the otherwise?

But for those who managed to go thru the heart, I guess they just remain there. 

negativity

It's such a burden trying to convince yourself to think the other way. I can't train my brain anymore to be thinking positive of things. I'm just so worn out with trying and thinking good things about life. There are bad things out there, why should I keep lying to myself and keep saying that things are gonna be alright? So what if things aren't gonna settle? There will be things that are just gonna stay hung by a thread. I can't expect to see the light at the end of all the tunnels. There will be tunnels that has no ends. It's covered by rocks caused by earthquake or something. Or that the end just happened to be closed because of construction. Maybe one day it'll make it's way out. Maybe I'll figure a way out. But I'm just gonna let that day come by later. Now, I'm not gonna burden myself by thinking that I can do it. I have to face the fact that I can't and it's not wrong. Maybe I'm just meant to do something  else. Maybe there are people in life that we have to leave to make peace to ourselves. Maybe there are people who we need so much, but can't be there and it's okay if you don't like it. You can't suppose to like things you know you hate. You don't have to learn to like it if you don't want to. So the person's too busy to company you, and you hate it. Just hate it. Why not? You have your own rights too. There are things you can tolerate with and you are okay with it, yet there are things that you just don't have to tolerate with. It's a waste of time and energy. If you now you can't do it, you don't have to. Maybe later you're ready, then you'll try again. There's so many things out there to explore, to do, and you can't waste it on something just because you feel like have to be positive of it. 

Fat

I super hate the fact that when you lose weight, the first thing that you lose are the fats at the chest and the booty. But when you gain weight, they're are the last place to gain anything. Ergh. Super annoying.

A mess

It's awfully painful to suddenly lose a person who was once so close to you. Despite all the differences, the weirdness, and the awkwardness, you've been thru together for so long and it's just sad to see it all go the other way. 

So many plans left unattended. So many promises left broken. 

The worst part is when you don't even know what happened. It's like suddenly you wake up the next morning, and you just got your brain refreshed. You just have to make adjustments to all the changes because you don't what to do, what to say. 

It's like I left a week in reality to go to Jupiter, and when I came back, this happened.

If it is true, why did I ever come back to reality? If I knew this was going to happen, I'd be happy to just stay wherever I was before and not face all of this.

It's a mess. But I guess everyone goes down to that point where leaving and forgetting is the only way out. And I suppose if you can do it, I can too.

Dear little heart

Stop feeling things you're not suppose to; the negative ones won't get you anywhere but the pit hole of misery.

Stop doubting other people; if they say they love you, they truly mean it. 

Stop doubting yourself; you are great in your own way.

Dear little heart,

Love yourself more because no one could save you but yourself.

Random

I have so many of these random posts. I can't really explain how things are going right now. My life has been going on that same pace. I don't really see anything happening in the nearest future, but hey. It's life we're talking about. We plan things, but God says it all.  So, I'm constantly looking forward for a better day. Hoping that there'll come a day where it all starts to make sense. :)

Yay. It's a wrap.

Now this all makes sense. I'm not the messed up one. You're the one messing up with my life. I have to be strong and leave all of this. I don't need one to destroy my life. I don't get why I'm trying too hard to keep something that is not at all making me happy, or even trying to. 

God, I've been stupid all this while.

You

You can be with someone for years and years and still not know them.

And there are more times when you take them for granted rather than really appreciating their existence in your life. 

It's confusing, really.

I've learnt that you don't need a lot of people close to you. It's fun to have different companions every now and then, but I know now that I need just a few to make my whole world. 

I'll keep losing people through my whole life, but I know for one, that the important ones can never go far from me. 

We all are hard on ourselves sometimes.

And there are times when we feel like killing ourselves because we just can't go on facing failures and criticisms of who we are.

Too fat, too short, not smart enough, not cool enough, too slow.

Craps.

Why do we have to take the craps?

You know what?

I'm very sure that I am better than you. Not to boast myself or make myself be more of a bitch than you.

But I can ensure you that all your trash talk and your judgments won't bring me down because I know what I'm capable of. You may portray yourself as being so cool and confident, but you're not.

You're just that one person who talks behind others to make yourself feel better about yourself. And I won't be one of those people that you can bring down easily by showing how good you are. Because no matter what, I'll always be better than you.

rantings

This is actually weird you know. I'm a blogger and I've been blogging for all I remember. Six, seven years? How many times have I changed my URL? How many times have I deleted my blogs? Countless I tell you. This is actually a sad moment for me. I can't blog anymore. 

All of a sudden, my brain and my heart won't work together anymore. And the words of the world are just not enough for me to express the things on my mind. Too many things going too fast. Can't capture the moments at all. It's like, rushing all at once and all I can do is sigh and look at it pass. It's sad, really.

I am constantly lost. I'm always telling that aren't I?

But I can't get people to understand my situation. I blame my lack of talent in writing and expressing. Then again, maybe my situation is just nothing. It's just me over thinking again. 

I wanna be able to write again. To share all the things in my life without having to think whether or  not people will read, or what they're thinking whilst reading.

I changed, and the hardest part about changing is to change back.

I almost do

What has been a part of you, will always be a part of you.

No Strings Attached

Nothing more to do. 

Serves me right and so now I'm watching No Strings Attached.

I need ice-cream and chocolate, please.

verge

“Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart
Of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants
The way it stops and starts”

I still can't figure out how to control myself.

I'm at the verge of losing myself.

October

Literally how I feel right now.

Too full of yourself

I don't know which is the fake one, which is the real one. 

But I spose you were always a bitch.

It's just that now, you don't mind showing it.

Cuz you're just too full of yourself.

I feel sorry for you hunny pie. So sorry.

But don't worry.

Bitches like you always die of desperation anyway.

Oh, don't take me wrong.

Not that I'm praying for you to die. Oh no. I'm not that cruel now, am I?

What I mean is that bitches like you will find a way to destroy yourself in the end. 

I'll just be praying the best for you.

Keep doing what you're doing and you'll be left all alone, hun.

Xoxo, Meia Ameruddin

IMY

Oh, the weight of missing someone. 

Can someone just get it off me?

Wordless September

September is going really fast. And I don't have any words to explain how it is. 

Emotions

So, serves me right.

September

September. My God, time flies. I have so many things on my mind, but I'll find some time to actually write about it. Right now, I'm struggling with hormones!

Obligation

I hate how social media nowadays are making it seem like it is an obligation for a person to have a connection to another person. I mean, if you decide to follow a person, you can't expect the person to do the same for you. So you want to have a connection to that person, do so. That other person may not feel the same way. 

I have my rights to deny that 'obligation'. It's stupid and just plain stupid. I can follow whomever I want, accept whatever requests, and you don't have a damn say in it. And you, you have your rights too. Don't be fooled by how the community works its way. You don't need other people to define you.

Xoxo, Meia Ameruddin

Just another torn apart post

Ah, totally torn apart. I hate this feeling. I'm not entirely sure I'm okay now, but I'm trying to live with it. Leaving a place that has given me not only memories, but peace, is gonna be so hard. *sigh* Although, in some way, I can't wait to be back and meet the people that I've missed so much! I can't deny that a part of me also can't wait to start the semester because it's just how I've lived my life. I've busied myself with assignments and hanging out with my friends.

I'd admit that I'm a homey kinda person. I feel so much safer and so much better just staying at home rather than have my ass out and about. Although, sometimes I do envy the times when my friends hangout and I'm there, at home, doing obviously nothing. -,- But I don't know why I won't let myself join them. I'm just such a creep. I like small companions and small groups of people where I feel familiar and safe. I guess I'm just a wuss. Anyways, besides all that, I do love to hangout with my friends. I'm just not a big crowd person (?) 

I hate changes. And this holiday definitely changed so much of my daily life. Having to go back to Malaysia, with all the classes and assignments, and activities, ergh. I can't even have the thought of facing it. It's pretty sad. 

Anywhores, you'll hear from me later, in Malaysia, hopefully.

Xoxo, Meia Ameruddin.

Sighing post

I've been feeling down lately. Not that things in my life are bad or anything. I just haven't been feeling like I'm living my life to the fullest. I feel like there's empty slots in my life, awaiting to be filled yet I'm not doing anything. *sigh*

 Lately I've been having lot's of thoughts about my study life. I just want to drop out of college and do things, you know? Like just travel or work. It's not that my degree life is that bad, no. I just feel like I need to free myself from the 'reality' world. I don't know. I don't know why suddenly the thought of starting a new semester scares me. Is it because that I'm in third year now? And my practical is only months away? *sigh* I don't know. 

Maybe it's also because I've had a long holiday here in Australia and I don't feel like going back to study. I mean, I miss Malaysia, but definitely not studying. -,- It made me think a lot, being here. There's so many things I wanna sort out. Despite me feeling all so negative, I try to live up the positive spirit in me so that I can go through the rest of my life in happiness. 

With that, I started a new hobby, sewing, obviously. Then I start planning things for the future. There's one thing that I super hate about planning ahead - FAILURE. Apparently when things don't go as I plan, I tend to take it to the heart and start feeling like I'm useless and there's no point of living now that everything I plan tend to fail. -,- Sad, but I'm just that sad person. Anyways, despite of that, I still plan because I believe in planning. 

So, plans for next semester:

1. GYM! I'm in serious need of exercise. My goal for next semester is 50 kg. Currently I'm 54 kg, thanks to Aussie, I fail to lose any fat. -,- Besides, gym takes my head off things. It's true, exercising is a stress reliever. 
2. Australia GOP in November. So there'll be a lot of money making activity. I hope so much we can make it in time. InsyaAllah. My teammates are good people with a lot of spirit!
3. IELTS. I need to start saving money for IELTS. I wanna be an exchange student this coming summer in Harvard, and for that I have to take my IELTS' test and also classes. So, I need heaps of money!
4. Indonesia. There's this practical thing in Indonesia and I plan to join the program and do half of my practical there.
5. Sew. I want to continue sewing and make a living out of it. Haha. 
6. Get  good grades. I think I've done enough damage with last semester's grade. It wasn't that awful, but it wasn't that pretty either. So, I need this semester to be super awesome so that I can get back on track with my grades. :)

Okay, so that's a lot right? -,- I hope I can get my schedule in line and my spirit on going. I'm such a vulnerable person. I tend to lose track of things I want and give up ever so easily. I need to change that attitude for good!At least I have a plan, so all I need is some determination! 

I can do this, InsyaAllah. Let's all have a great time. :)

Think positive thoughts and smile.

Xoxo, Meia

Just a little update

I have been homesick for quite some time now. -,- I can't believe that I can get this homesick. Haha. Maybe it's because of raya. And maybe because I gained so much weight that I can see myself getting wider. That is not funny btw. -,-

So, anyways, let's not get on with the negative vibes in this blogpost. I just wanted to recap some good times I've been having here and how raya is for me here. Oh, I've been sewing kinda aggressively too lately. I hurt my back sometimes. I guess that's just my body telling me to take some rest.

Look at that cutey boy in the middle. Haha. The one next to me in orange is Asma. She's taking her masters and graduating this December. On the next bench, from the left is Natasya. She just arrived a couple of weeks and she's studying for her masters as well. Next to her is my sister and next to my sister is kak Allina. If I'm not mistaken she's taking her masters.

:) This was after the solat raya. We decided to take some photos at the Nara Peace Park near the Embassy. This is how raya is spent here. Haha. Btw, it was freaking cold at the moment of the picture was taken! Freezing cold I tell ya. But for the sake of raya, we just pretended that it was all a-okay. xD

Me and my lovely sister. :)

Couldn't see the Malaysian flag, but this was at the embassy.

It was super windy!

I like this picture. :)

So, basically my first raya was just like that. Oh, in the evening I went to the Craft and Quilt Fair. xD Haha. A very good way to spend the first raya day I suppose. We went visiting on the weekend. So, yeah. It wasn't all that bad, but it wasn't home. :)

Last Saturday we went to the Aviary to feed birds. Oh, I love that place. Unfortunately the pictures are on my sisters phone so no pictures of that. Then we headed to the riverside at Cotter River and enjoyed the whole afternoon at peace. :)

Of course, my favourite person on earth, Muhammad Asyraf!

The bags me and my sister made. Mine is the one on the left. Hearts. Haha. So girlyyy. xD

And the sun was so bright yet it was so cold because it was windy! I put on so much weight. -,-

I'm working on a quilt right now. I'm taking so much time getting it done. Haih. And my hexies are still on the way and I'm telling ya, it's still a looong way to go. Hoping to get it done before I go back to Malaysia. The pictures are mostly on my Instagram because I take photos with my phone all the time. Anyway, I'm planning on making another blog just for my sewing projects. Haven't really thought of it because I might be busy when I get back to Malaysia, but I love sewing so much! And I hope I do have time to sew in Malaysia later. And now my instagram is filled with sewing projects. xD Haha. So, I guess that is all. Till next time, 

XOXO, Meia Ameruddin

Body and holidays

I try to ignore the fact that I'm gaining some weight living here in Australia. I'm on a holiday and people just eat on holidays. I don't wanna miss out anything just because I'm afraid of gaining some weight. Yeah, and how's that working out for me? pfft~ I freak out most of the time when I see food. And when I get on the scale, I just went on sobbing. Gosh. What is wrong with me? I should be okay. I should feel confident as how I am, but I'm just not. I hate myself.

Tak keruan

I can't sleep. I don't know if it's because of the weather or because I'm just too tired. I'm totally drained. Yet I can't sleep and only sleep for 5 hours. Maybe to some of you, that's like daily sleep, but not to me. My body requires 8 hours of rest to fully function, mentally and emotionally. I guess overthinking is one of the reasons I can't sleep properly. And the fact that I miss my mom doesn't really make things any better. I suppose something has been on  my mind or else I won't be here, blogging so frequently. At times like these, I like to know that mama is around. Not that I ever share anything with mama. -,- I'm just not those kind of daughter. I don't share much with my mom. We don't really do that kind of thing, but there's something about being around mama that comforts me. I miss that.

Meia ni kurang mengaji ni. Hati rasa gusar je. Haih.

A Thousand Years

There are some things in the world that can never go together. You know, like the Sun and the Moon. They're just two different things and they can't live in each other's world; not because they don't want to be together, they just, can't be. But it doesn't mean they can't continue to admire one another, to cherish every ticking moment to feel the presence of the other. When the time comes, they'll collide. And at that moment, nothing else matter because the whole world would be admiring them.

There will come a day when we will promise ourselves to love another person more than anything. And if we're given all the years to live, living with them, knowing that you'll wake up to the same person each and everyday would be a bless and nothing else could compare to that.

Cooking and instinct

Girls, ladies, women. Please, being able to cook is not a gift or a talent; it's nature. We are brought up with motherly instinct. Cooking is something you HAVE to know by instinct. You can't say you don't know how to cook when you haven't really tried. Sure, the first few times you fail, but duuuhh~ -,- You think your mom got it right the first time she cooked? Come on. There are gazillions of recipes, FREE - I must stress that - that you can try. Some even have pictures along with the instructions. Don't be afraid to try. It doesn't matter how late you're gonna be married, or how much you like ordering in, cooking is a motherly instinct. If you don't try now, you'll lose the lovely years of practicing and draining down the wasted, ugly food you made. Besides, cooking is not only about getting married. Cooking is about your identity as a woman, a lady. Come on. Get up, and get cooking. Start with something you like. Go and discover. Don't use wasting or got no time as your excuse. That's so lame. We have to enjoy every bits of life eating and cooking. Believe me, it's so good. You'll get better and you'll even find ways to maintain the cooking techniques. GOOOO! COOOK!

Empty holes

There are empty holes in your life that may never be filled, but life goes on. Cliche much. And there will be times when you think you're ready, but the fact is you're not. Yet, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Then again, you should also keep in  mind that trying doesn't mean you'll succeed. And failure doesn't mean that you won't get it right some time later. You will, but maybe wayy later than you expected. You can never guess.

The holes, maybe they're just better off empty. You can try to fit in other things, but the least that can happen is you decrease the size of the hole. You never really fill it up. Sometimes, you just patch it up and later in the future, it'll just open up. But if you're lucky, God bless you, you'd end up filling it up, permanently.

Whatever it is, pray. God listens to every single thing you have to say. Turn to God. Pray.

Life is so overrated

The way things turn out in life is pretty confusing; you expect something else, and yet something else happens. I'm always afraid of what's coming in my future. I'm the Queen of screwing up. I guess everyone would admit the same thing because well, we all screw up in some part of our lives. You know, there are several things that I am good at and I know I'll be able to make it and the expected result would actually come true, sometimes even better. But there are some that I am so bad at, I can't even explain.

I can't keep relationships for a long period. I always end up losing a friend along the way. Sure, it's normal to lose friends; I'm not expecting to keep all of the people I know. -,- I can't even catch up with my life and family, let alone catching up with hundreds - that is if I have hundreds. But what I mean is those who care for me dearly, I tend to take them for granted. Not that I don't see their effort, and not that I'm not trying, it's just that I suck at it. I suck at friendship. I don't know how to keep in touch. I want to be a good friend who is always willing to help, to be there, but I suck. I lost so many good friends. They are all great friends and I lost them, just like that. Why? Because I'm just so selfish. I'm a bitch. That's easier to understand. And I'm so tired of being one. I don't know what to do.

I'm helpless. I hate commitment. I suck at it. I screw up almost every good relationship I have with people. Do I not want people around me? I'm confused. Sometimes I fear having someone so close to me because I don't know how to treat them, how to be a good friend. I fear that I'll lose them. And what sucks more is that I'll lose them because I just didn't know what to do. Oh God. I'm such a mess. 

If I could, I would

If I could buy time, I would. If I could buy energy, I would. If I could skip sleeping, I would. But I can't. I'm sorry. When we can't give the best to the ones we know deserves the best, we feel so guilty and useless. We feel as if we've let the person down. There's so much I wish I can do, but my hands are all tied and I can't find enough time to satisfy the ones I love. 

Ya Allah, kuatkan semangatku, panjangkan usiaku, beri kesihatan kepada tubuhku agar ku terus mampu untuk memuji nama-Mu.

Just some pictures of my life here, in Australia

Sydney Harbour. My first day here.

On the first day we went to Madamme Tussoud, a place where they make a wax statue or whatever they call it of iconic people such as Obama, Albert Einstein, Angelina Jolie and a lot more. All the sculptures are made based on the exact height, eye colour and hair colour. They are all TALL! Especially Obama. Even Bieber is tall. -,- I'm sorry that most of the pictures are the pictures of me, but I figured this is MY blog anyway. :p

First picture is with JB. xD To the right is Keith Urban. Then that's me in that air thingy thing doing the Marilyn Monroe pose. Below on the left is Kim Hyun Jung. Next to it is Heth Ledger. And of course, Iron Man.

That is Hugh Jackman from X-Men, then DiCaprio, and the gorgeous Miranda Kerr. Below is of course Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The last one I'm not quite sure who, but she starred in The Saturday Night Fever.

Oprah, ET, Obama and Jackie Chaaaaan. Look how tall Obama is!

My sister. :) This is in front of the Sea Life Aquarium. We entered, but not much picture taken.

Second day in Sydney. We went several other place: Paddy Mall, The Wild Life and The Aquarium. Please ignore the choice of colours for that day. :p

Here I present you my precious. :) My little baby Asyraf. Not literally mine, but yeah. Haha. 

This is an applique. Thanks to my sis, I finally mastered the art of applique. :D Hand-stitched mind you. Haha. Of course I'm proud of myself, even though it is not as pretty as it should be.

This is a project named New York Beauty. You can Google New York Beauty quilt and see all the beautiful quilt others have made. I am so gonna do this again to improve my curve sewing and paper piecing. I must say, I have let myself down a bit on this project, but I won't stop. :)

This baby here is the modern Dresden plate quilt. I got inspired by The Girl Who Quilts and I knew I had to do one myself. It's very simple and pretty. My sister suggested for a stitchery in the middle. So, that's my next sewing lesson. Can't wait to finish it!

This baby here is also a Dresden plate quilt in which I was helping my sister finishing it. She stopped so I decided to carry on. I sewed three of this Dresden plate. It looks pretty. :)

Welps, that is all for now. I have several more projects coming along and a few more places to visit. I don't think I'll be able to upload a lot of pictures here, but if you are interested, just visit my Instagram: Meiameruddin. I always update there. Time sure fly when you're having fun. It's been a month already. *sigh* That fast? Another more month left. So little time, yet so many things to do.

Fight for it

We are always insecure of the person we care a lot. She hasn't texted you for a while, you assume she'd found someone else more entertaining than you. He uploaded a picture of himself and a girl (a pwetty girl pulak tu. :p), you assume he's falling for her. She starts talking about other people, you assume you're forgotten. Suddenly the daily routine starts to fade, you feel as if the relationship is fading as well. Haha. It's funny how the heart can play with the brain, how emotions take over rationality. We all face this or at least will face this some part in our lives. It can be in any kind of relationship. Because when we care, we are just too afraid of being replaced, being rejected, being forgotten.

Don't be afraid. If we care that much, we should fight for it that much, too.

Whatever

I'm not a preacher, not a writer, not an advisor or any such. But I do love to speak my mind. Honestly, I like talking to myself. Yes people, I talk to myself. Not really that shocking, but yeah. I realise that I can't keep talking to myself, that'll be bad. Who knows what people will think of me in a few years if I keep on with that habit. And I suppose the reason for this blog is to help me cope with that problem. Instead of talking to myself, might as well talk here. At least it won't sound that crazy, I think. -,-

I'm not good with words. I always end up lacking of words to use due to my small amount of vocabs, thanks to this brain. As a result, my ideas are always everywhere and I lose my point. People get confused, my ideas go nowhere. It's pretty sad, but I gots to face it, I'm not as talented as to be. Haha. But that doesn't stop me from writing anyway. xD I'll do whatever that makes me happy.

I don't know why I'm here, but I'm here. Something is bugging me, I just wish I knew the words to it. Ah sheesh. Asyraf pooped. Welps, duty calls. Toodles~

Pinterest

My sister introduced me to Pinterest. I've heard of it before but never really got interested in it. Then, when I came here, my sister keep on mentioning Pinterest, so I signed up and currently addicted to it. It has all these awesome creative ideas! People have so many ways in being productive. I like how they think. Haha. All the cool ideas just inspire me. There are so many things that can be done and some are very easy. I like crafts and DIYs. Maybe I was brought up that way, with my dad making his own furniture and other things and my mom sewing and crafting. I guess I was exposed to it. But I'm not creative. I do things and end up wonky and scratchy. -,- But I do love making things. Haha. I just like the feeling of handmade things. It's like filled with more attention and care. Lulz. Anyways, if you, too, like crafts and DIYs, sign up for Pinterest and be inspired. XOXO

Let Her Go

I can listen to this over and over again.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

I thought I had it, but then I lost it. -,-

I've been trying to get my arse in front of the compuper for quite some time but I just couldn't get myself to do it. I had so many things in my head and I knew I had to come here and blabber it all out, but sadly, the laziness won over my stuffed mind. And when the time comes to write, I gots nothing. Darn it.

Anyways, I haven't been in touch much with the people at home for quite some time. With all the social networks and internet, I still find myself here, not trying to be in touch with the people. -,- I'm such a slug. I just couldn't find the right time. Believe me, the time here in Australia flies way faster. You wake up like every other morning in Malaysia, but it gets dark at 5 p.m. 6 At six, it's already like 10 p.m in Malaysia. Pft~ The next thing you know, you're already sleepy and it's only 10 p.m. Sheesh! And in Malaysia, that's like only 8 p.m. How am I suppose to keep in touch when everything is ever so different. I'm more of a morning person, so I wake up at 7 or 8 (unless on the days I sleep late, I'd wake up later than that). But morning here means 3 or 4 am in Malaysia. Still, no time to communicate with people. -,-

I honestly dislike the time difference. It makes it hard for me to keep in track of the people in Malaysia. I'm already getting ready to sleep, and yet people are just about done with breaking their fast. And by the time I'm asleep, people are just done with Terawih. How am I suppose to keep up with that? -,- It's wearing me out lately. So, I'm sorry to all the people I can't stay in touch with. How I wish I could call and text all day, but sadly, time is not on our side. I'll be back in a month. I don't what to feel. I just don't feel like going back. :/ I want to stay longer. *sigh*

This is the real life update

So the previous post wasn't the best post to be updating after a long time of hiatus. -,- It makes me sound like I just came back from rehab or something. Welps, I can't control myself when I'm on the keyboard sometimes. And not to mention the overflowing things in this little head of mine. Anywhores, this is an official life update. HAHA.

I'm currently in Australia, with my sister and her small family. :) My oh my, how I love it here. Not only Australia, but here in Canberra, in my sister's small and cosy crib. I'm not gonna play the comparing game here because that'll just make me look ungrateful of own beloved country, but oh do I love it here. :D The weather, the people, the system. It makes me feel so safe. Hoho.

I haven't had the chance to really use a laptop or computer the whole while I'm here. Not because I'm busy or anything. I was just lazy. HAHA. Well, there's nothing to look at. I mean, I am barely on Facebook nowadays, so, yeah. Tumblr, not anymore. Blogging, yes. I wanted to blog so much, but I don't really know what to say. I've been numb for quite some time and I mean literally numb. My fingers swell sometimes. It gets to -5 degrees at night and 10 in the afternoon. Ahha. Besides, I thought I'd get some more knowledge on sewing and quilting from my sister while I'm here. It'd be a waste to just watch her work and not do anything. She has tons of fabrics! Oh, how it made me happy seeing them. xD

I am having so much fun sewing and patchworking alongside my sister. :) It feels so homey and cosy. It's nice to have someone who shares the same interest and who is there to teach. My sister is cool, but I'm always the cooliest. :p Anywhores, I'm very active on Instagram. My works are uploaded there (poyo je). I'm getting more confident in sewing and my works are better too. :) I'm so proud of myself *pats head* I love it so much. See, I don't have talent in sewing like my sisters; it's more like a gift. Sewing and tailoring runs in the blood. So, I guess I'm lucky. :) I just need support for confidence. So, yeah, I'm very much thankful for my ancestors for bringing joy in my life. HAHA. But the best part of Australia is my nephew! Oh God how I love him. So cute! And getting cuter. I just cannot be mad at him. He makes me wanna have a baby! HAHA.

There's nothing Malaysian in Australia. Nothing at all. Well, not that I've come in contact with. Nevertheless, Malaysia, tanah tumpahnya darahku. :) No matter how good another country, my country is always my pride.

I don't feel like I wanna go back home tho. And I'm not going back any sooner now, but I just love the calmness and peace, here in this small crib. It's like I'm breathing for all the right reasons. I can relax. Gosh, I'm gonna miss this feeling later when I'm back. *sigh* I guess coming here is kind of like going into rehab. A journey for the soul.

There's something really funny tho. Despite the modern technology, where communication is boundless, long distance relationship is so shitty. HAHA.

Thankful that I'm still breathing (random ranting)

Everyday we wake up, we thank God for giving us another chance to make amendments. No matter how bad life is, we should never give up trying. Another day means another try at life. Nothing is always good. There will be bad times. But nothing is always bad either. We just have to try and see it from a better point of view. There is always another point of view. So, living is pretty simple - wake up, be thankful and be pretty. God is fair.

We have a one heart, but many other hearts to help heal. Don't be a coward and creep under a rock. Hold out your hands and help the ones needed. A smile for the ones who are having a bad day, a hug for those who are going through hard times, a word of support for those who are breaking down, a minute with a friend, a cup of coffee for mom who's been working all day long. So many things. Don't chicken out. Small things make up a big change. One big heart can make a lot of other lives meaningful.

I keep reminding myself ever so constantly that there is so much to life than just satisfying myself with the need of myself. One of the first thing my sister said to me is that in life we have to stop thinking about what people can give to us, and start thinking what we can give to people. Life is a cycle after all; we give and we take. Happiness is not only about receiving, but it's also about giving. The world needs balance. Balance gives the peaceful, neutral feeling I guess.

I overthink. Too much. (explaining my random rantings) And it's really hard to 'organise' the things in my head. That is why I try very hard to remind myself all the good things I should be doing rather than pondering upon the things I don't like. My head can think and process about a hell lot of things all at the same time and it stresses me out because there are so many things that aren't even suppose to be there. I find it really hard to keep calm and find peace. My head just won't rest and it keeps me miserable. I wish I could hold more attention on things that matter, such as academia stuffs. They may not seem to be any much relieving, but at least they are things that matter and important. The things that go through my head always take me down. But I realized that if I fight it, I'd come up so much stronger and better. I have to have faith. Faith has kept me going for so long. Faith in my religion, of course, had kept me alive. Faith in my family has kept me believing that loving and caring is such a wonderful thing. Faith in my friends has kept me believing that strangers can be a miracle.

Life is such a wonderful gift. Every day we are gifted with another day to make great things. That is why it is called present. Who doesn't like getting presents? God gives it to us everyday. Be thankful. Be reflective. Be productive. At the end of the day, think back, 'What have you contributed to the world, besides carbon dioxides?'. If there is nothing, then possibly you should think about it again. :)

With that, I end my blog post. Oh, before I forget, SALAM RAMADAN TO ALL MUSLIMS. :) Selamat berpuasa. Semoga bulan Ramadan kali ini lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya. InsyaAllah.

Journey starts here!

Yay. The day has finally arrived! I'm flying today. :D

I have been waiting for this day for a few months already. HAHA.

Padahnya beli tiket awal-awal. InsyaAllah, semuanya akan baik-baik aja.

Hopefully the haze won't be a problem. And I pray that after I leave, the haze would also lessen (?) I'm not sure what word to use for that. -,-

Anywhores, pray for my safe journey. 

XOXO

The positive thing.

I'm not gonna waste another second envying other people's happiness and start creating my own happiness. I don't get a shit from cursing my own life just while some other bitch is living her time of her life. Let's get that positive attitude in the air people!

My mister lame-o

I just love the way you make me laugh.

I'm gonna miss all of your lame jokes.

:)

Take care, hunny buns. 

Appreciate the present, then you'll get over the past. 

Everything.

There's so much hatred in me. I even hate myself. Sometimes, I hate myself too much. But it's really hard seeing myself from my point of view. I can't see anything, really. I keep on seeing the things in front of me rather than what's in me. I know, there are so many things that I should be thankful of, but it's just so hard to see sometimes. I don't feel like I have anything to be proud of. I'm always so moderate. Never too good, never too bad, which is actually not bad, but not good either. I just wanna be good. Then again, we're always never gonna be satisfied of what we have. *sigh* I should be more thankful with the things I have rather than pondering on the things I don't have. Be more thankful, Meia. You can't have everything. 

My holidays

Alhamdulillah. I'm having such a great time at home even though the results have started coming out. Well, thanks to UTM, our results are out right after we finished the paper. -,- Sometimes it's a curse. HAHA. Anywhores, as I said, I've been having a great time here at home. :) I've been baking, reading, sewing, sleeping well, and spending time with my family. I simply love how it is. Well, I try making the best out of the time I have before departing.

I successfully baked Cinnamon Rolls. :D Although, I have to remind myself next time to make them smaller. HAHA. It was slightly bigger than I expected, but Alhamdulillah, it finished. :) That's one taken off my to-do-baking-list. There are still a lot of recipes I wanna try. Slowly, I'll bake all of them. ^^

I read two novels already. Both are Nicholas Sparks' novels: Safe Haven and The Lucky One. Reading his novels, I realized one thing about his writings. His writings must have something to do with army. HAHA. But his writings are so nice to read; simple yet detailed. I don't know why people like to read his novels, but I know why I do and why I can't put down his novels. The storyline is one thing, but that alone wasn't enough. It was the way he write his stories. Because it was simple, you can create this scene in your head, as clearly as if it was something real, something you've seen. And so whenever I put down the book, I'd still have the image of the characters in my head and the stories go on and on and on. It's impossible to put the book down because then my head won't stop thinking what's gonna happen next? -,- Both of his novels made me feel that way. sheesh. But I guess that means he is a good writer too. His books are okay. :) Good books to indulge and spend time on.

I sewed a bit. I made a pillow for Awang. It wasn't much. I made a patchwork for the cover and made the pillow as well. I thought, oh, ada kekabu, so why not make the whole thing. So, yeah. I made him a red pinkish pillow. xD HAHA. I do regret choosing that colour tho. But yeah. It's done. Anyway, I'm working on a tote bag and my mom's table runner right now. The tote bag is also a patchwork. I hope I can get it ready soon. It's for a friend. :) And the table runner should be done before I fly.

Basically that's how my holidays have been. :) I'm happy. And now praying for the best for my resut. Pray with me! :)

No more worries. :D

I won't worry any more. 

:) 

I know now, that despite the distance we have between us, figuratively and literally, I am always a part of you. Whether or not a big part, or a small part, I know that I mean something to you. And once upon a time, I meant so much to you. So, I guess we can finally have things as it is. You will always be someone special to me, and I will always be someone special to you. We may not have been spending much time together, but we know it in our hearts that we are very close. And you know what, if anything do happen to us, I know that I once was very important to you. :) I spose that's enough for me.

I have grown up. :')

lulz.

Yes, please.

Make things right.

Say the things unsaid.

Cut my hair short

I think it's funny how people are scared to cut their hair short, for girls I mean. Hair can grow back, what's the matter with cutting it short? Haha. Well, I spose some people may have some kind of sentimental value with their long hair. I won't lie and say that I've never felt afraid of cutting my hair short. I do. But isn't it weird? Why should we be afraid? What is so afraid of cutting it? It'll grow back. It'll definitely grow back. If it doesn't then maybe you're either dead or... I don't know. I've never thought of hair not growing back. -,- 

I think cutting your hair can be a nice starting point. You know, it's kind of like cutting off your past. Style up the new hair and live life fresh. Short means fresh, right? If I could colour my hair, I'd definitely go for light or dark purple. Noice. And maybe red once or twice. :D No matter how small it seems, but cutting your hair can mean a lot actually.

random

I like the idea of travelling.  Travelling in the sense of mind; opening your heart for new things, accepting new ideas. Sometimes opening a book can make you travel the whole universe. Sometimes taking a walk in the park can make you realise how much there is offered right in front of you. I don't want to die knowing that I knew so little of the things around me, knowing that I missed so much while living. I want to read lots and lots of books, writings. I want to feel other people's experience through their writing. I don't care if it's fictional or non-fiction. Every story written is another person's journey in their mind, and I want to go through the same journey they've been through. I don't want to be left not knowing all the feelings they felt just because I've never been through them. People exaggerate in writings. Yes, they do. That is the point. There are times in life where we exaggerate things to make it seem more surreal because the emotions can't be described with just simple explanation.

I want to walk on lands where people have walked on. I want to see the things they've seen, hold the things they've held, breath the air they've breathed. I want their passion. I want to see things from their point of view. How complicated their mind was, how abstract things were around them. I want to feel their presence. Yes, not everything is always so pretty or happy, but there was once a time when it was pretty and there were happiness from laughters and joy of the people who were there before me. And I want to be there. To find out how it was going through all the struggle, going through all the enchantment they went through. 

I don't want to die knowing that I have gone through so little. There are so much more to be discovered. I want to know a lot. I want to feel a lot. I want to get my head off things that are not even there and fill it with things that are at present or that were once real. I want to travel.