so many things to say, so little words to express.

i hate the feeling of lonesome. how can you even feel lonely being crowded by people?

the only thing that was visible to me was my hands and my feet. there's so many people but i can't seem to connect with them. i feel like i'm invisible, like out of place. why am i even trying to make myself stand out when people aren't even looking? as i walked past the crowd, no one cared to glance. no one asking whether am i leaving or where i'm going. why?

that one crush

i suppose we all have that one crush that we choose to keep to ourselves. rather than confessing how we feel, we prefer going thru the torture of not being acknowledge. =,= believe me, there's only one crush that'll make you feel such way. and in the end, you still find yourself pondering over that feeling. you're stuck between the fear of being rejected and the fear of losing that one person. yet at the same time, it hurts so much knowing that he's having a great time with someone else. it kills you knowing that he sees right thru you and sees absolutely nothing.

i have one. at first, i tried keeping it cool and just accept the fact that we are friends and that's just how it's gonna be. but then i realized it made things worse. it made me feel smaller, like i don't mean a thing to him except the fact that we're friends. just like how he is with other people. and then we got separated. i thought the distance could actually get my head off the stupid feeling. but i suppose it got worse. at that time i really knew how much i meant to him. how invisible i am and how insignificant i am to him. i couldn't feel any much worse.

that's when i decided to move on. of course that's just impossible. i could never get over him. never. because for all this while, until now, i still find myself going over that feeling. imagining what if..... haih.

but then i knew i just gotta try. and then i found someone who could make me happy, make me feel content and make me feel appreciated. :) someone i wanna be for the rest of my life.

am i over him?

never.

tarawih

Malam pertama :

ganjaran bagi orang yang menunaikan terawih pada malam pertama Ramadhan adalah diampuni dosa-dosa orang yang beriman sebagaimana keadaannya baru dilahirkan. :)

imma try and make it all thirty. i know it's not possible to get all thirty with the 'cuti' and all, but imma try and not leave it on purpose. this month is going to be a good month. :) Amin.

It's Ramadhan

right now, i see people changing. :') and by changing i mean to become a much better person. they all are changing to become someone closer to The Creator. i want to be like them too. i want to change, to become a better person. and i'm trying really hard. it will take time, but good things always take time right? :) i wanna be close to The Almighty and be among the people that He loves.

Ramadhan is a new start, hopefully. pray for me people. :)

special

girls don't want to always be in a relationship. relationship stinks. yeah, i admit that it does. and not all of the girls want to be attached or committed to someone. sure, we fall pretty fast and pretty hard sometimes but it doesn't mean we want to be in a relationship.

here's the thing about feelings. sometimes, we just want to be appreciated and love. we want attention from a certain someone and most likely it would be the person we like. however, that does not require someone to be in a relationship. you don't need to be in relationship to show that you love someone or that he/she is special to you.

sometimes girls just wanna be sure that they are special to that one guy. sure, maybe guys have hard time in committing but it doesn't mean you can't show the some affection to the girl. if she really means something to you but you're still not ready to be in a relationship, at least make her feel that she's different from any other girl friends. girls just need to know that it's worth to be waiting or to be hoping. we are easier in showing affection and care since it is our nature to over care and over think stuffs. and not to forget to fall hard for a guy. =,= but guys, you don't want to be missing the person you could actually be with. you don't wanna lose her just because she chose another guy.

if you're afraid of committing, that's fine. but if you're afraid to confess, then that's your problem. you'll lose an awful lot. but believe me, there's nothing wrong with showing some affection to that one special girl. :) i suppose this goes to the girls too. if the person is special to you, make them know. it's the least you can do. :)

sadis #1

straight to the heart.

over and over again.

you don't need a degree to become a good chef

i was never sure of my future. i never knew what i wanted to be, what course i'm gonna take, what university i wanna be in. i never knew. i just thought i'd follow the flow. where ever it is, or what ever it is, it must be the best. i mean, i definitely did work for it right? that was until after SPM, when we had to fill up the UPU courses. i was stuck. i didn't know what i should do. should i go to the matriculation? TESL? or Diploma? i was freaked out. i suck at Sciences and Mathematics subject. so, matriculation would be a struggle for me. TESL? well, ain't so bad. but the idea of becoming a teacher terrifies me. o.O i had dreadful memories with teachers. would most likely to avoid anything to do with teachers. and yet, life is really irony. i took foundation in TESL. next step to becoming an English teacher. wow. who would've guessed?

i didn't mind learning English. i love English. the problem was trying not to be a teacher. i am still struggling with it. i still can't accept the fact that i'll be a teacher. maybe. InsyaAllah. it's not bad, i just prefer not to. Anyways, finish the foundation, we were needed to fill up another UPU form. this one was tough because then i realized that maybe i wanna take culinary. wait, not maybe. i really wanted to take culinary. i was, for once, sure that i want something. and i wanted to take culinary. i voiced it out, but as expected my parents defied my decision. i felt like crap. :/ i sulked for couples of days. then my mom came to me and said that is not that culinary is not good, it's just that they want me to be secure of my future. get a safe career. she said, "You don't need a degree to become a good chef. you just need a sincere heart and interest in food. get a stable career, then if you want to continue your studies in culinary or to open your own bakery or restaurant, go ahead."

well, parents have their own concerns and thoughts. and i suppose they were right. they just want the best for me. they know better. :) i just kind of felt that at least once, let me do what i really want to do. but then again, there's plenty of time to do what i want. i'm just gonna live the way that is best for me, that makes my parents happy. i pray everyday that i can actually own a bakery. i want to bake till the day i die. :D even if i die of diabetes, at least i died with sweetness within me. HAHA.

Perpisahan

i fell in love immediately the first time i heard it in the movie 'Cinta'. it's such a beautiful song. sang greatfully by Anuar. not many are a fan of him, but i sure am a big fan of Anuar Zain. the lyrics of the song is beautiful and the melody is just perfect. i suppose Anuar's voice just made it better. made it more meaningful. i'm currently putting this song on replay while playing Tetris. :p at times, i cry listening to it. it has such deep meaning. i can't explain. and being put together with the movie, just tears everywhere. there's not once that i didn't cry watching Cinta. :'(

I, for sure, have never lost someone i love that's so important to me. never. but somehow this song just got to me. i could relate to the song. it's those chills you get. the ones that makes your heart shatters. it's like losing someone. even though i don't know how it feels, but this song makes me feel it. the piano in the beginning has already set the mood. even the piano says something!

still living under the shadow of the one you love is the most tiring thing i suppose. knowing that they left you to live by yourself, not anymore having them next to you, the feeling of lost. the feeling of wanting it like how it used to be. the feeling of wanting their presence. whether it's because of death or because they found someone better, it's still the most miserable thing to be felt. the feeling of lost. it's like a deep hole that can never be covered. a deep wound that would never recover. losing the person you love most.

i can't imagine but surely i can feel it. the absence. worst case, they actually left you because they found someone better. what is there left for you to believe in? what is there left for you to hold on to?

"Tercari-cari bayanganmu"

camera #1

i don't know what to do with my holidays. so, i decided to polish up my photography skills. finish a portfolio. :) i was hanging around Harris the other day and i was walking around searching for my mom but i ended up in the magazine section. they had loads of photography magazines. so, i opened one and there were some activities for indoors photography which is really suitable for me. :D even though i may not have the skills of a professional or enough gadgets to take good photos, but i believe that good photos ain't about gadgets or skills. so, i decided to do one of the activities. it's very simple. but it would be great if you had the right gadgets. and for this one it would be a macro lens. anyways, i managed to do it. not as classy and as professional as the one in the magazine, but good enough for me. :D

so, what you'll be needing:

1. syringe
2. MnMs or smarties or nips or any colourful objects
3. a clear glass (a cd cover would do just fine. make sure that it is bigger than your bowl)
4. a bowl (it can be any colour but make sure it's clean from any pattern. you don't want it to interfere with your object. white is most applicable for this activity. it can be any size, depending on the size of your glass, but smaller the better)
5. and of course a tissue

1. fill in your bowl with the object. i chose to work with MnM. (you can put all the colours or pick only the colours you like. if you like colourful, put different colours. but if you want it to be mono colour choose one. make sure it covers the whole bottom of the bowl)
2. put the glass on top of your bowl. then, with the syringe, drop different sizes of water. make sure you don't drop them too big because then the focus will be bigger which is not what you want. put it as much as you want. and if there's any mistake, just dab the tissue at the water and it'll absorb away. the good thing about this is that you don't have to clear the whole thing, just only point at the ones you wanna clear. :) saves more time.
3. then, take a close up photo. make sure it gets all the colours in the drops of water.

it's hard to get the right focus when you're not using the macro lens. you want to capture the vibrant colours at the same time capture the bubbles. a good tip for the non-macro lenses is to lock your focus once you have the best focus. take as many pictures as you can, and later, when editing, choose the best. :) oh, another wonderful tip is to use you flash and set your white balance to flash/-2 so that the flash won't overwhelm your picture. it would be best if you have a speed light. but if you don't, try and use your flash and get the shine and vibrant colour.

When editing, you want to make sure you don't lose the original colour, but you also might want to make the colours more saturated and vibrant. and to do that, choose the saturation graph and perk it up a bit. not too much or else the colour would fade the real art and intention of the bubbles. you can always have it the original way, but there's no harm in editing. :) every picture is beautiful in it's own way.

so, this is mine. if you have the macro lens, you could actually focus on the water drop. it's super cool. but since i don't have one, i can't do it. :/ really frustrating. but what i can do now is more than enough. :D the best thing about doing this is that you just have to do it indoors. if you're too lazy, it's okay. no need to move far. HAHA. i hope you guys can try it out and have fun. :) don't be afraid to try again and again. it's real simple. everyone can do it.

happy birthday PAPA

52 years old. that's really old. half a century. wooo~ HAHA. i have to say, 52 years old spent really well. he had more regrets than me, of course. haha. but he's a wonder man. every dad is. despite of all his mistakes, despite of all his regrets, he made other people a better person. he surely made me a better person.

Papa, Happy 52nd Birthday. I know i don't say it much, or maybe perhaps never, but I love you. more than words can ever convey. i know i'm not the best daughter nor a good one, but know that i'm always thankful to you for all the things you've done for me. we don't talk much; we rather yell at each other but i want you to know that i'd trade everything in this world just to have you always in my life. i really miss having you around. but it's nobody's choice to have things go the way it's gone. i just really wish i could have you all the time. but i should know better; you're always there for me. always. i love you.

typical girl

i'm not those sweet, soft-spoken girls. i'm not even one bit close to it. =,= there are days when i regret for who and what i've become: the not sweet, soft-spoken girl. and there will be days when i feel, "eiy, it ain't too bad or too shabby being who i am now". but i still wanna know how it feels being the one liked by people. i mean, the girls who are pretty and when they talk, their face just lit up and their smile makes people say, "aish, lawanya", they automatically have the place in people's heart. people just like them. old, young, boy or girl, they just like these kind of girls. they have charm. well, honestly i've tried being one of them. and obviously, you can see i failed in flying colours. :D

*sigh*

i envy girls who can present themselves prettily and gracefully and inspire people by their gentleness because i can't. even in heaven i don't think i can. =,= you know what gets to me the most? the fact that they aren't even trying to impress people yet they do. all the time! ergh. it is miserable being the black one. i'm not saying that i'm too boyish that i've lost my 'woman grace'. i'm just not the typical girl every guy or people would like. it takes time to actually accept the way i am. and some couldn't accept it at all. =,= i kinda regret not going to grooming class or something. make myself more womanly~

i don't blame my parents. they've tried hard making me stay girlish as they can when i was a child. but since i was hyperactive, they can't put skirts on me. teehee~ so, i owned lotsa pants. and as i grew, i became fond of pants which actually made me kinda tomboyish. i'm just glad i didn't decide to be a guy. :) buuuut, i'm just who i am today. which is not really a bad thing. i just wish to be, you know, a girl. the ones that people can respect as a girl.

welps, i just hope that at least, please Universe, let there be someone who's able to accept me the way i am. fuh.

when two people with different interests, different views on life, get together

when it comes to relationships, people say that opposites attract. it's like the magnet; the south pole is attracted to the north pole. i do believe in this statement. opposites do attract each other. but in a relationship, it's not only about being attracted. it's about compromising and committing. i'm in no place to be talking about relationships, i know. but i have things in my head too.

how can 2 people, who have different views in life, in ideas, in the way of living, end up being together? honestly, i don't know what to think. but, let's just see how the process of the formation of their relationship.

well, at first they find it challenging; there is someone who sees things differently from how they see it. that's the attraction part. it's the curiosity that drives them to approach each other. and when they spend more time together, they found out that there are a lot of things to talk about, to argue about. so, they start getting attached. in their mind, they thought they finally found someone who has a ground on things, who can make decisions, who can accept them for all the differences and the awkwardness they have. everything seems to be going well.

and then, as they get too attached, they realized that they wanna always stick together, despite the arguments and the differences. because in their mind, somehow it made them closer. so, they moved another step ahead: be in a relationship. well, there's one intsy-bitsy part they forgot. relationship requires toleration and compromise. when they were friends, it's okay to mock the other person, to piss the other person off. when they were friends, it's okay to not have a conclusion to every fight. when they were friends, it's okay to respect the other person's point of view. but when you're in a relationship, stronger feelings are involved. and you realized that you're actually a unit. one unit. which basically means that decisions have to be made from the agreement of both parties, which also means both party have to live in the same way, which comes to my last meaning that is, both party can't live in the differences they've been living.

some of you may have disagree at this part. depends. this is my part of story, so lemme finish it. you can do yours in your blog.

so, the beginning of the relationship wasn't so bad. they had several disagreement but they managed to come to conclusions. they fight about best movies, about their daily habits. and then they start talking about emotions; they hate it when one does that, when one does the other. they discovered a lot through those long emotion talks. they knew more about each other which is good actually. but then, things just got serious. they realized that they're aging and this is the possible mate. and because of that, they wanna make sure that they both are compatible. they are gonna live their whole life together. they wanna make the relationship worth the whole life.

so, they talked about future stuffs. most of them were great; they talked about children, the activities, the new marriage life. it was all the sweet stuffs until one of them stated their point of view. and that's what made it all tumbling. they disagreed on a lot of stuffs. and it was hard to come to a conclusion. why? because they were talking the way of life. they were talking about the future, something that is not visible to the eye nor can be touched by other senses.

that's when they start thinking again. am i doing the right thing? am i regretting? well, of course it is not the wrong thing. you're getting to know about the other person. are you regretting the relationship? i bet they don't regret the relationship. i mean, they love each other. regret is not the word. but i suppose they realized that the relationship is not going anywhere. the problem is when they both can't be what the other person wants them them be. at one point, they just knew they can't tolerate anymore. it's just too much.

and at this point, they just don't know whether to stay together and pretend that it's alright or to give up on the relationship. to stay means that you're going against yourself, lying to yourself. but to give up on your relationship is just like letting go of something you never know the ending of. at this point, they just want to give their best. but if it doesn't goes as how they wanted it, well, breaking up is not the best idea, but it is one of the best way to keep things okay between the two of you.

and if they do break up, i do believe that deep within them, they will always be praying that one day they'd meet again and try it over. because there is no way that you'd be meeting someone who is willing to put up with your differences just to be with you, someone who'd be holding on the other end of the rope even when you're about to let go. no one. i believe that even if they do meet other people, they would be wishing that the person there was the one they left before; wishing that is was the one who stood all night arguing with you over movies, the one who stayed there at times when you kept on babbling about things, the one that kept smiling even though you broke their heart time and time again.

and even if they break up, their hearts would always be praying that God would give them another chance to meet again and be together. because i know i would.

i try to make myself believe that it is possible for people with the opposites to be together. but then i realized, there are things that are just not possible. and maybe having time to think again would be the right thing to do.

first and foremost?

some people refuse to talk about their feelings, their emotions. i don't know which category i'm in. i don't mind talking about how i feel to certain people and certain places. depends really. but people say i'm secretive. pfft~ yeah, right. well, there are some stuffs that i prefer to keep alone. especially the sappy, sad, pathetic stuffs. i don't think i deserve to make other people suffer by listening to my pathetic life stories. unless of course they choose to. for example, you people who are reading my blog.

i keep my feelings to myself mostly afraid to be judge by other people. i can't stand judgement. it makes me feel so bad. i have issues with my confidence. i know, how ironic. i mean, with how i behave in class and how i present myself does not show how insecure i am i suppose. when i say i have self-esteem problem, people would say i'm mocking them. i have self issues. i don't have the confidence to face myself, my mistakes. i can't accept the fact that i'm not good enough. i'm just insecure of everything that is related to myself. i want to present myself well but in the end, i'd screw everything up. i'm afraid of what people think of me.

people always say, be yourself, don't take what other people say to the heart and other yadayada stuff. but i can't. i'm used to living to other people's expectation. i'm used to making myself push a little harder just so that i can be better in the eyes of other people. at times i would ask myself, am i a hypocrite? am i not being my true self? i can't really define myself. i was once a screwed child. and as i try to make myself to be a better person, i kinda got lost, again.

but again, here i am. still alive, alhamdulillah. and still insecure apparently. people expect me to be better and i'm always wanting to be better. i'm always trying to make people feel like they can rely on me. but at times, i gotta say to myself,

"there are things i can't do, there are people i can't satisfy."

i'm not a hypocrite. i don't present myself as an angel. i present myself as how i want people to see me. i am being my true self: messy and insecure and cute, at times. xD now, i'm constantly reminding myself that i am good enough, not for everyone, but for some people. humans are judgmental freaks. i'm just having a hard time accepting judgments. i avoid things just so that i won't be judged. yet, i do a lot of other things thinking i won't be judged. then again, you can't stop people from talking. so, yeah. i'm just gonna have to work harder about the judging thing.

my life is pathetic because i choose to see it that way. my choice of living. everyone else just chose to move on and see the positive side. fair enough.