Life is so overrated

The way things turn out in life is pretty confusing; you expect something else, and yet something else happens. I'm always afraid of what's coming in my future. I'm the Queen of screwing up. I guess everyone would admit the same thing because well, we all screw up in some part of our lives. You know, there are several things that I am good at and I know I'll be able to make it and the expected result would actually come true, sometimes even better. But there are some that I am so bad at, I can't even explain.

I can't keep relationships for a long period. I always end up losing a friend along the way. Sure, it's normal to lose friends; I'm not expecting to keep all of the people I know. -,- I can't even catch up with my life and family, let alone catching up with hundreds - that is if I have hundreds. But what I mean is those who care for me dearly, I tend to take them for granted. Not that I don't see their effort, and not that I'm not trying, it's just that I suck at it. I suck at friendship. I don't know how to keep in touch. I want to be a good friend who is always willing to help, to be there, but I suck. I lost so many good friends. They are all great friends and I lost them, just like that. Why? Because I'm just so selfish. I'm a bitch. That's easier to understand. And I'm so tired of being one. I don't know what to do.

I'm helpless. I hate commitment. I suck at it. I screw up almost every good relationship I have with people. Do I not want people around me? I'm confused. Sometimes I fear having someone so close to me because I don't know how to treat them, how to be a good friend. I fear that I'll lose them. And what sucks more is that I'll lose them because I just didn't know what to do. Oh God. I'm such a mess.