Values

When two people don't see eye to eye, nothing goes right. You can't seem to appreciate each other the way both of you want to be appreciated. It's always gonna feel like something is less; somehow it just doesn't feel enough. You'd give different values to different things simply because you just have different views in life. And how frustrating is that? You'd end up wondering where and what have you done wrong. How come I can never do things correctly? Haih. 

That best friend who knows the color of your eyes.

When we get to know a person a bit too well, we see all the flaws and all the faults. We see the baggage they've been carrying all the time. I mean, it's like the all the happy memories are just memories. What really happened? The spark really just went missing, huh? Suddenly he is at fault for not remembering important dates, for not reminding you how beautiful you are, for not calling you before you sleep, or text you in the morning.

But really, were you hoping for that to last? Were you hoping all the 'romantic'' gestures to last for ever? What is romance really? How is romantic? You can't expect a relationship to last with just the same thing.

You know what actually happened? You get bored. All of those 'romantic' gesture, of giving roses, good morning and good night texts, all become habits.

Going through my previous posts feels like picking up pieces of me I dropped along the way. I suddenly feel a lot of things; things in the present are making sense all of the sudden. Memories gushing through my head - a bit too fast, literally giving me headaches. It's funny reading it back, knowing all the details to what exactly happened for each post. 

I have trust issues. And most of the times I have insecurities issues. I know, people are all insecure, but me, hah. I'm a bit too insecure. I think of things that aren't even real sometimes. So, I tend to not tell a lot. I don't put much details in my writing because I don't want to reveal things to readers. I want to keep most of the story to myself, but I just want to share my emotions. Weird really, cause then why write? 

Well, writing helps me a bit. I have anxiety and I need to distract myself most of the time; back then writing calmed me down. I'm just talking to myself in different form, but I suppose it feels better. It feels better because I know there are chances people are reading this. They may not care, but they are reading. So, I guess knowing that somehow made me feel like I'm a part of something. I forgot how that felt. I forgot a lot of things, really. 

Reading back all of my writings gave me back emotions I thought I no longer have. It also made me realised how much my life didn't change. I thought for so many years, my life would be different, but the changes can barely be seen. Funny.

I also realised that some feelings never change. There were some posts that gave me the same chills I got when I wrote it. Some were long gone. Some were surprisingly weird. I didn't expect I had written it. I guess I enjoy reading them back. Sometimes, I just need to know that I've felt things and I've gone through a lot of things and I still made it till today; the remainders of yesterday becomes the motivation for today.

Habits

Habits are formed in 21 days continuously, or so I've been told. So, if you've been doing the same thing everyday for the last 21 days, then you may have gotten yourself a new habit. My worry is that there are things that you don't plan to make it as a habit, but eventually end as one. You know, like texting someone good morning, or receiving good night wishes, or even perhaps going out for breakfast. Because to form a habit may take 21 days, but to lose the habit takes more than that. And it takes more than just time; it takes a whole lot of courage and effort. 

Sometimes, you can lose a habit quickly, depending on the importance and how it affects your daily life, but mostly habits that are difficult to get over are the ones that are attached to you emotionally. Some habits are formed because they help you in certain ways; help reduce anxiety or boredom. These habits are also hard to get over. But there are times, crucial times, when you just can't keep going with the habits. They take you down, or perhaps even kill you. And these times are the hardest because you're gonna have to change everything, entirely. You're gonna have to keep pushing yourself and telling yourself that you can do it. That you can get over it. 

These are the times when you need to be positive and more focus given. You won't lose the person you are; you'll just lose a part of the person you are. A part that you can totally build again. Habits are our choices. You can choose to live by them, or live with them. Take one step ahead and start throwing away all the habits that are making you unhappy. You'll wake up everyday feeling so much lighter. Create new habits to fill in the lost habits. Just remember, be strong. 

Drafted (28th September 2013)

How sure can you be about something?

How sure are you that what you're doing now will be worth all the fights and struggle?

It can be years of suffering before you can finally see the end result.

How can you be so strong going through all that?

What if the one you let go is actually the one you should be holding on to? 

How am I suppose to know that?

I know, people say you have to believe. 

But believing alone is not gonna be enough now, would it?

What if deep down, there's just an instinct saying things in the future are gonna be different.

Sure, I heard about what we think will affect the things happening in the future,

but, what if I want to think that way

Because I want the future to be that way?

Activities

I wanna be able to draw.

I wanna be able to sing.

I wanna be able to dance.

I wanna be able to do a lot of things.

Not that any of that will make people fall in love with me.

Not that any of that will make people like me more.

But I just wanna know that I am trying all my best.

Maybe someone would like me. 

Stay

"You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is 'stay'. Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear. Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t. Trust yourself. Go with your gut."

Source - Tumblr

It is true. Hearing the word 'stay', you just can't decide.

Suddenly you're sucked into another dimension, into another world.

I can't do 'this' anymore

The day you said 'I can't do "this" anymore' I went into a deep hole of my own imagination.

At that very moment, I was so lost.

I didn't know whether if I should be saying, 'Don't say that' or 'Okay, maybe we should stop.'

I wasn't sure if I should ask you to stay, or just let it go already.

I was unsure for the one thing I was very sure of.

I'm very confused.

All I know is that you deserved to do what you wanted to.

I guess I shouldn't bring you into my world of confusion.

And you for one, deserve so much better.

And I want to be that person.

But right now, I can't be that person.

I am in a deep deep confusion.

I truly hope the future brings us on the same path again.

And at that time, you'll realize how prepared I am and how better of a person I am.

And to God I pray, I'm not too late.

Loooooooooooooooooong

Ah, I have not visited this space for so long now!

What has been going on?

Wow! 5 months and nothing.

It's funny really.

Every time I go missing, I appear again, and apparently I am still alive, which is good. 

Have I been too happy to turn to my sanctuary?

Well, no. I've just been very...well, I don't know.

I just came on to say, 'Hi! I'm alive.'

Asasi

Believe me when I say, I'd trade anything to be back in my asasi years.

Just something I wish you know

You don't know what you've put me through.

I just wish you'd at least care.

But yeah, we can never satisfy a person, really.

So, yeah.

For us

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

But isn't it so tiring? To be fighting, and fighting? 

When do I know when to stop?

Picture has nothing to do with the post

Commitment is so overrated.

I'm not looking forward to any kind of commitment, yet.

I don't see any positive effects of attachments.

I know, those of you reading this will say 'Oh, she must have not met 'the one' yet.'

Well, go to hell with 'the one'.

What? A guy is suppose to make me feel so good about my life?

A guy is suppose to make my day everyday?

Come on! Get a life.

My life does not depend solely on one guy.

Or any guy to be exact.

My commitments for now are for my family, and of course, my life. 

I don't see any other near future commitment.

I don't need a guy to make me feel good about myself. I have friends and family to do that for me.

No, it's not because I have not met 'the right guy'.

Maybe it's just bcz any guy won't be enough for me.

I'm not trying to be a feminist here.

I do need a guy in my life.

But not just any guy.

When the moment comes, I'll be his lawfully wife.

I don't want to depend on a guy who barely even knows his own future, let alone bringing along mine.

I'll be praying for the best for me.

And hopefully it will be worth all the wait.

New Year!

I missed my new year post. Not that I'm really into new year's, but I don't know. I guess it's nice to do some recapping and stating new things for the new year. At least when I look back, I did have something I wanted to look forward to at the beginning of the year. 

I mean, at the end of this year, I'd just see a post that's already 9 days late. And that doesn't give the nice aura it should be giving. Besides, now talking about resolution or hope for this year is not quite relevant. Okay, again, not that I have any kind of resolution or that I even care of having one. It's just the routine of doing it.

I am a believer of all these kinds of things. It's okay if I suck, at least I know that I have something in me that wants something. At least when I look back, I have something to ponder upon. It's like a reflection. What have I done and how much did I change? 

It doesn't make sense to some of you. But to me, it's really important, especially since I do it almost every year. But this year, yeah. I don't know. Maybe I changed? I hope I don't regret this. 

Yes, please

I should not be doing this, but I can't stop myself. Is that a sign?

Frozen

The movie Frozen is the perfect description of how people with insecurities and depressions are.

I don't know how to explain, but it just is.

It's amazing how the movie elicits everything and how much love can change people. 

My dear

The saddest way to fall out of love is to suddenly wake up the next morning, and realise that you don't feel the same way as you did the day before.

Two lovers starts to feel distant and little did they know, they were parting from each other, emotionally. 

Both are not capable of being in each other's company.

All of a sudden, the feeling that was once so true, turned out to be a lie.

What happened, dear Princess?

Just suckish

It sucks:

When you get to know someone close enough, but never realised you've actually fallen for him and only realised when he said he already liked some other girl.

Even worse:

When both of you fall for each other, but you just fail to tell the other person because you thought of waiting for the right moment and end up not saying anything.

The worst:

Both of you just ponder upon the past and wish that you've at least done something to be in each other's lives because now it's just seeing shadows of something that could've happened.

And it sucks.

How do you deal with someone who says no to all that you like?

How can you feel happy when the things you like are being pushed aside and not shared? Isn't love all about sharing?

Familiarity

Human likes the feeling of familiarity. They like to be sure of things. I guess that's why we find ourselves reminiscing the past because the feelings were true and you know that you've felt it before. 

It's not actually a good thing, but sometimes it's just hard to stop yourself. You just need to be sure that such feelings exist - such memories can be created. And then you just find yourself digging up old stuffs, flashing through all the good times in the past. 

Sometimes it's not because the present sucks. It's just the warm feeling we get from the past feelings keep us sane and hoping. The present just seems so confusing, and the only place to turn to is somewhere we know we'll never get lost - the past, of course.

Drowning yourself in the familiar faces can be both intriguing and bitter. Words never said could keep on hunting you, yet smiles on people's faces could light up your own. :)

I hate how much I rely on the past to feel familiar. I'm constantly searching for a place where I feel safe and warm. And I chose the past, and believe me, it's the biggest mistake yet. I just hope I find a better place to turn to later. The past is just not the place I wanna be anymore.