“Maybe it’s dumb to look for signs from the Universe. Maybe the Universe has better things to do — dear God, I hope it does. Do you know how many signs I’ve gotten that I should or shouldn’t be with somebody, and where has it gotten me? Maybe there aren’t any signs. Maybe a locket is just a locket, a chair is just a chair. Maybe we don’t have to give meaning to every little thing. Maybe we don’t need the Universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that deep down.”
HIMYM - Ted Mosby
I wish I knew deep down what is what because right now I just can't digest anything. Not in my brain, not in my heart. Maybe deep down I just wanna be alone. Or maybe I'm just so stuck in the past that I get so confused of what's now and what's then. But why is it so hard for me to get closure of my past? Wait, stupid question. Of course I know why.
You know, the past is so real that whatever is happening now, just can't beat that. I'm afraid to let go of that feeling. I'm afraid that I'll never know how it'll feel again. I'm afraid that, if I let go of my past now, I'd never feel as great as that, ever. But how would I know if I'm not trying to feel the present?
I hate the word 'if'. It kills people inside. The reason why this is all happening to me is because I can't let go of the thought of 'what if'. I know, the only answer to that question is to go after it. But I don't want that. Because deep down, I know what I want. And if I ask that question, I'll never get what I want.
I'm a messed up bitch, who is so selfish. I know.
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