first and foremost?

some people refuse to talk about their feelings, their emotions. i don't know which category i'm in. i don't mind talking about how i feel to certain people and certain places. depends really. but people say i'm secretive. pfft~ yeah, right. well, there are some stuffs that i prefer to keep alone. especially the sappy, sad, pathetic stuffs. i don't think i deserve to make other people suffer by listening to my pathetic life stories. unless of course they choose to. for example, you people who are reading my blog.

i keep my feelings to myself mostly afraid to be judge by other people. i can't stand judgement. it makes me feel so bad. i have issues with my confidence. i know, how ironic. i mean, with how i behave in class and how i present myself does not show how insecure i am i suppose. when i say i have self-esteem problem, people would say i'm mocking them. i have self issues. i don't have the confidence to face myself, my mistakes. i can't accept the fact that i'm not good enough. i'm just insecure of everything that is related to myself. i want to present myself well but in the end, i'd screw everything up. i'm afraid of what people think of me.

people always say, be yourself, don't take what other people say to the heart and other yadayada stuff. but i can't. i'm used to living to other people's expectation. i'm used to making myself push a little harder just so that i can be better in the eyes of other people. at times i would ask myself, am i a hypocrite? am i not being my true self? i can't really define myself. i was once a screwed child. and as i try to make myself to be a better person, i kinda got lost, again.

but again, here i am. still alive, alhamdulillah. and still insecure apparently. people expect me to be better and i'm always wanting to be better. i'm always trying to make people feel like they can rely on me. but at times, i gotta say to myself,

"there are things i can't do, there are people i can't satisfy."

i'm not a hypocrite. i don't present myself as an angel. i present myself as how i want people to see me. i am being my true self: messy and insecure and cute, at times. xD now, i'm constantly reminding myself that i am good enough, not for everyone, but for some people. humans are judgmental freaks. i'm just having a hard time accepting judgments. i avoid things just so that i won't be judged. yet, i do a lot of other things thinking i won't be judged. then again, you can't stop people from talking. so, yeah. i'm just gonna have to work harder about the judging thing.

my life is pathetic because i choose to see it that way. my choice of living. everyone else just chose to move on and see the positive side. fair enough.