Values

When two people don't see eye to eye, nothing goes right. You can't seem to appreciate each other the way both of you want to be appreciated. It's always gonna feel like something is less; somehow it just doesn't feel enough. You'd give different values to different things simply because you just have different views in life. And how frustrating is that? You'd end up wondering where and what have you done wrong. How come I can never do things correctly? Haih. 

That best friend who knows the color of your eyes.

When we get to know a person a bit too well, we see all the flaws and all the faults. We see the baggage they've been carrying all the time. I mean, it's like the all the happy memories are just memories. What really happened? The spark really just went missing, huh? Suddenly he is at fault for not remembering important dates, for not reminding you how beautiful you are, for not calling you before you sleep, or text you in the morning.

But really, were you hoping for that to last? Were you hoping all the 'romantic'' gestures to last for ever? What is romance really? How is romantic? You can't expect a relationship to last with just the same thing.

You know what actually happened? You get bored. All of those 'romantic' gesture, of giving roses, good morning and good night texts, all become habits.

Going through my previous posts feels like picking up pieces of me I dropped along the way. I suddenly feel a lot of things; things in the present are making sense all of the sudden. Memories gushing through my head - a bit too fast, literally giving me headaches. It's funny reading it back, knowing all the details to what exactly happened for each post. 

I have trust issues. And most of the times I have insecurities issues. I know, people are all insecure, but me, hah. I'm a bit too insecure. I think of things that aren't even real sometimes. So, I tend to not tell a lot. I don't put much details in my writing because I don't want to reveal things to readers. I want to keep most of the story to myself, but I just want to share my emotions. Weird really, cause then why write? 

Well, writing helps me a bit. I have anxiety and I need to distract myself most of the time; back then writing calmed me down. I'm just talking to myself in different form, but I suppose it feels better. It feels better because I know there are chances people are reading this. They may not care, but they are reading. So, I guess knowing that somehow made me feel like I'm a part of something. I forgot how that felt. I forgot a lot of things, really. 

Reading back all of my writings gave me back emotions I thought I no longer have. It also made me realised how much my life didn't change. I thought for so many years, my life would be different, but the changes can barely be seen. Funny.

I also realised that some feelings never change. There were some posts that gave me the same chills I got when I wrote it. Some were long gone. Some were surprisingly weird. I didn't expect I had written it. I guess I enjoy reading them back. Sometimes, I just need to know that I've felt things and I've gone through a lot of things and I still made it till today; the remainders of yesterday becomes the motivation for today.

Habits

Habits are formed in 21 days continuously, or so I've been told. So, if you've been doing the same thing everyday for the last 21 days, then you may have gotten yourself a new habit. My worry is that there are things that you don't plan to make it as a habit, but eventually end as one. You know, like texting someone good morning, or receiving good night wishes, or even perhaps going out for breakfast. Because to form a habit may take 21 days, but to lose the habit takes more than that. And it takes more than just time; it takes a whole lot of courage and effort. 

Sometimes, you can lose a habit quickly, depending on the importance and how it affects your daily life, but mostly habits that are difficult to get over are the ones that are attached to you emotionally. Some habits are formed because they help you in certain ways; help reduce anxiety or boredom. These habits are also hard to get over. But there are times, crucial times, when you just can't keep going with the habits. They take you down, or perhaps even kill you. And these times are the hardest because you're gonna have to change everything, entirely. You're gonna have to keep pushing yourself and telling yourself that you can do it. That you can get over it. 

These are the times when you need to be positive and more focus given. You won't lose the person you are; you'll just lose a part of the person you are. A part that you can totally build again. Habits are our choices. You can choose to live by them, or live with them. Take one step ahead and start throwing away all the habits that are making you unhappy. You'll wake up everyday feeling so much lighter. Create new habits to fill in the lost habits. Just remember, be strong. 

Drafted (28th September 2013)

How sure can you be about something?

How sure are you that what you're doing now will be worth all the fights and struggle?

It can be years of suffering before you can finally see the end result.

How can you be so strong going through all that?

What if the one you let go is actually the one you should be holding on to? 

How am I suppose to know that?

I know, people say you have to believe. 

But believing alone is not gonna be enough now, would it?

What if deep down, there's just an instinct saying things in the future are gonna be different.

Sure, I heard about what we think will affect the things happening in the future,

but, what if I want to think that way

Because I want the future to be that way?

Activities

I wanna be able to draw.

I wanna be able to sing.

I wanna be able to dance.

I wanna be able to do a lot of things.

Not that any of that will make people fall in love with me.

Not that any of that will make people like me more.

But I just wanna know that I am trying all my best.

Maybe someone would like me. 

Stay

"You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is 'stay'. Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear. Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t. Trust yourself. Go with your gut."

Source - Tumblr

It is true. Hearing the word 'stay', you just can't decide.

Suddenly you're sucked into another dimension, into another world.